Jess Reflects on Ep. 3
Show Notes
In this solo episode, Jessica gives a peek into her own story as she follows up on her conversation with Nando Morland. She shares a profound memory with him that sparked reflection on complicated relationships with movement, the importance of vulnerably sharing our stories, and how we can find rituals that best support our entire selves.
Transcript
Jessica
So I just had an incredibly inspiring talk with Nando. And one story that I forgot to bring up that was really profound for me was one day we met in Central Park and we were walking through the ramble and there's this beautiful waterfall and everything with him just feels extra magical. And we were sitting by this waterfall and talking and he started moving his body. He's like, I've been sitting too much when you move my body and he said that he moves his body every morning and every night so in the morning he'll try to get in some kind of cardio, some type of heavier exercise and at night he will stretch and wind down. And I felt this guilt and shame and this pit in my stomach and I felt it many times before and many times since and had nothing to do with him but I'm always reminded of that moment because he shared with me that he was moving because it was right for him and because he wanted to, and because it was something he was doing for himself and his own body. And that was something that I felt so distanced from at the time.
For so long, movement was my safe space and my place of expression and of coming home. And it turned into something that was dangerous, both emotionally and physically. I was overworking my body. I was putting it into shapes that it was not meant to do. I was injuring myself. I developed an autoimmune disease and I was just pushing too hard and it was completely distanced from what I needed to do to care for myself and nurture myself and love myself. So I danced all growing up and through high school because I loved it. I could not get enough of it. I loved that I was there for hours after school every single day and on the weekends. I loved that it occupied all of my time. I just loved it. I had a safe space to be with a family we created and to have this beautiful community that supported each other. I was able to explore my movement and I was able to love ballet, even if the body I was born into was not going to go off and be in a ballet company. I was able to dance in ballets and express myself in that way. And I was able to learn contemporary and modern in a way that was so engaging and empowering. And Nikole LaChioma Kirkpatrick, who was the lead choreographer, head of the company when I was there at at the time it was the Performing Arts Center of Connecticut, just gave me something that I will be more and more grateful for every single day that goes by. She gave us a life as dancers and as artists and she allowed us to shine in the individual and unique way that we were meant to. We were always encouraged to keep going and to explore and to play and to make mistakes and to try. And that's something that was rapidly ripped away when I went to school in college. And dance became about a job, about a grade, about constantly trying to fit yourself into shapes and boxes that were not meant for you. So I was incredibly miserable and stressed throughout my years because I was so far away from my heart center and my soul center and I was so disassociated from and disconnected from my body. And so when you go from having movement and dance be the most integral and safe part of your entire life experience to having it become something that feels wrong and dangerous even, it's very heartbreaking and very confusing for a young person.
In the years after graduation, I eventually found yoga and that was the way that I could come back to breath and my movement and my body in a way that I was empowered and in control of, not in an aggressive way, but in a way that felt like I was coming home to myself and home to my body. And even so, I would put so much pressure on myself to work harder and make sure to go to yoga every single day. Like I took that intense mentality from before and I applied it to something that's supposed to be gentle and caring for the self and for those around you. And it's been a long and tough journey since then. And talking to Nando and seeing how there are still moments where he's struggling with his own movement. I'm not glad he's struggling, obviously. It's just that it's easy to look from the outside and think that somebody has it all figured out and that you are the one who just can't figure it out. Just can't figure it out. I just am trying so hard and I can't figure it out and I can't do it and I'm not good enough to learn how to care for myself and get myself back into movement. I feel this guilt and this shame about not being able to get myself into classes. And I felt guilt and shame about not wanting to go to auditions when most auditions, they were not good environments. They were not supportive. They were not happy. They were not positive, it was very intense. There's nothing in art in my opinion that has to be inherently intense in that capacity. We're all trying to make art and engage in our creative worlds in a way that will allow us to come together in community and make some kind of change for the better whether we’re healing or inspiring or entertaining or bringing joy or bringing some cathartic feeling upon somebody else. That's what we're trying to do. So we need to support artists in their entire being, support their emotional, physical, mental, spiritual well-beings. And then we can come together and make the great art that other people want to consume and other people want from us.
So I just appreciate Nando so much and I remember that moment so clearly and it always sticks with me because it was such a beautiful and magical moment and I felt this immense shame and guilt when he talked about what he was doing with his body every day and I couldn't get myself there and I felt really insecure and ashamed. And I've worked hard to give myself a ton of grace and understand that I don't have to move my body every day to be taking care of myself. I don't have to be stuck in these old thought patterns and habits and today it was more important for me to sleep in a little bit and roll out of bed and make myself breakfast and coffee before logging on with Nando. And in a previous life, I would have felt immense guilt about not getting up and moving my body before that. And that's that.